When you set them free
When you tell the one you love that they should find someone so they won't be alone. So they can feel happy and fufilled....but what am I to do? I cry...

I hope the saying is true if you set free the thing you love it will return to you...but sometimes, I wonder.

Now Playing: Black Friday Rule
My Song
I feel so out of place here, today I dreamt of going to Ireland, going back to my grandparents homeland and roaming there, I browsed through beautiful photographs of the landscapes of Cork where my mom was born. I wish she wasn't the way she was....

She abandon me at a young age...six weeks old, she and I are very much alike. I sometimes feel like perhaps I got her good points and my fathers good points weeded out her bad points. *chuckles*

Do I resent and hate her for staying away from me for 18 years of my life only to track her down at 19...

You bet your ass I do.

We were corresponding for awhile, but she started avoiding me...She doesn't like to be reminded that shes a mother or a grandmother and that sadens me...I always hoped maybe she wanted to be apart of my life.

that and she's wiccan and I'm christain and well...*chuckles*


I always wanted a mom who would love me someone I could confide in like my best friend has in her mom...

I've never had it and I never will

Mood:  sad
Now Playing: What do you say?
What do you say to the person you love and would do anything for. When they tell you they've been damaged so badly they'll never trust or love like they once did?

My heart broke, and I feel alone so alone once again, I can barely stand it. You always want to be the one that changes that....But in the end you know better. You realize you aren't THAT special, and you never will be, no matter how much you try.

And I stand on the edge of an Abyss known as someones heart and I know I'll never reach the other side. I know I won't be the one, I know that now, the thing is will I listen to myself when I say to let go?

Song Of lies
Mood:  lyrical
Song Of lies

And her mouth was as red
As the fresh fallen snow
The day she told me again
How another man's love
Was as white as a raven's
While mine was blacker than blood
How another man's love
Was as white as a raven's
While mine was blacker than blood


And I asked if she knew for sure
That the rain in her eyes
Would never run dry
Till the flames of the sun
Ran like ice in her veins
And froze the door to her heart
Till the flames of the sun
Ran like ice in her veins
And froze the door to her heart


And she told me the last time
As if for the first time
If the world turns away from the sun
Then nothing and never
Will always be true
And that she would forever be mine
Then nothing and never
Will always be true
And that she would forever be mine


And I swear that the sun
In her eyes turned to stone
Her dress was as white as the moon
The priest told me nothing
And no one was true
And that she would forever be mine
The priest told me nothing
And no one was true
And that she would forever be mine

Oh the blackened sole
Of her small bright shoe
Has left it's mark
In the long white hall
Of my heart

~Karen Casey

Isn't this song exquisite? I love it I heard it and thought "My God, this woman sounds like everyone who ever speaks sincerely to me." Sincerely with a mouthful of lies... They do it so well. It leaves me broken and confused...They always make me feel that way. This way like they sing me a song of lies.

growing
Mood:  not sure


There seems to come a time in everyones life where they have to decide what they are going to do who they are going to be what ground in life are they going to make theirs and claim it as there own in the world.

I have to say that I've avoided this one for as long as I can. I've tried much to stay away from growing up, I avoided some responsibility while in other areas of an adults life I had no choice but to take them up.

This too goes for the way I've conducted myself in my present relationship. I've been scared and childish, and let memories of the very ugly past haunt me. The betrayal and deceit I had encountered seems to have made its mark on my unsuspecting judgment. Accusing the one I love of not loving me as he should. And that isn't his fault. I don't wish to make excuses for myself, or my paranoia...

I wish I could take it back and make it as if it never happened my stupid senses that made me feel inadequate... And I'm not, though I think it on a daily basis.

I feel inadequate in all sorts of ways lately. Maybe its that feeling of being mortal and not being able to stop bad things from happening. Things that no one has control over, I like being able to control what happens, I like to think there is always a way I can somehow fix things and make them whole again. That I could fix someones heart, to where he wouldn't have to hurt anymore, or that I could stop the cancer from spreading through her body. But I can't no matter how much I want to.

So now I have to grow up fully and be an adult get a career, dress up in a suit and pumps, and smile that fake smile. Isn't that the trademark of an adult these days?

What am I not sexy enough for you now?
Christ!

you know this guy has been the only one to deny me sexual flirtation.

Most men always respond positively to my flirtation....but he, DENIES me.

I've never been rejected like that before.

Its never hurt so badly...

I can't believe he would deny it to me...

I've never once denied him ever.

EVER.

It makes me sad and I feel so unloved. I see other couples and I....

Wonder if I'm just wasting my time.

To be denied something I never ask for, but this once, and I'm shot down, like a fucking tin can on a fence.

God I'm so lonely, I'm so lonely.

He is such an ass.
Sometimes I would just love to scream it at him. tell him that he is.

Sometimes I really hate the fact that he is the way he is.

and yet I love him for it.

I hate that he goes and steals my idea, sometimes I think its because he wants to do what I do so he can be closer to me. Other times I think its because he likes to make me jealous.


So I told him what shampoo I use...he goes and buys it to remind him of me.

I tell him all the cds I think are great and he wants to go and get them.

but damnit when I say I'm thinking about getting a PS2 and the transformer game, DAMNIT thats where I draw the line!!


*sighs* life sucks right now and he is ignoring me. Oh well, WHATEVER.

fears
ever have that big empty feeling? you know, the all consuming bleakness, that you just can't seem to get rid of and you want so much for your beloved to fill it, but don't want to trouble them with it.

I don't know what to do about it anymore, I sometimes imagine running off to Oklahoma to be near him. But I think about how I wouldn't fit there... I'd be the square peg trying to shove myself in the round hole.

He loves me, that should be enough right?

Sometimes I'm so scared. That I'll end up all alone, I'm scared to death of it.

My heart hurts, it aches, and my body cries out for more than an empty bed pushed against the wall and a fluffy pillow to snuggle close to.

There, damnit all it took was that to make me tear.

I wish I didn't feel so cornered.

I wish I had a way out....

I want to escape from this fate I've been dealt.

Hello
Red Sapphire


I killed it today


cried as the tears froze mid cheek


exterior is warm


But insides are cold and empty


hollow chambers that hold


a firey flame just below the skin.


Warm hands and a cold heart my dear.


Fire and ice make excellent allies.


I'm full of rage, with a sense of emptiness, and nothing to fill the void.